Student newspaper terrorist

This column appeared in The Gauntlet on April 12, 2012.

Since the beginning of the fall semester, in September of 2011, the University of Calgary’s independent student newspaper, the Gauntlet, has been held hostage by a lone ultra-left terrorist who goes by the simple pseudonym “Remi.”

The founding member of the terrorist network the Coalition for a Revolutionary Alberta Society, Remi has single-handedly managed to capture and control the Gauntlet’s nine section editors, as well as countless numbers of the paper’s volunteers. Adopting the title of “opinions editor,” Remi has transformed the previously arch-conservative student newspaper—once the springboard for Canadian right-wing heroes such as Ezra Levant and Stephen Harper—into an ideological tool for a terrorist message of “pro-autonomy” and “pro-dignity,” ideas that are clearly dangerous to the health of sensitive Albertan minds.

Having precipitated several violent incidents on the university campus, Canadian security and peace enforcement agencies having been pooling their resources to capture, kill and end the strife he has caused.

‘Remi,’ as he is known to allies and enemies alike, commandeered the student newspaper on September 3, 2011, and seized the title of “opinions editor.” The opinions section previous to Remi’s takeover maintained a small but humble position near the back of the weekly  issue of the Gauntlet. While maintaining his reign of terror over the paper’s real editors and volunteers, Remi has successfully expanded the opinions section to take up most of the paper, and through the section he bombards University of Calgary students with a weekly barrage of horrifyingly new ideas. As student Emily Hamilton, member of the Delta Upsilon Mu sorority observed, “The newspaper [the Gauntlet], like, used to be, like, totally fair and balanced, like the Calgary Sun is. Now it’s basically like mostly opinions from that hipster fag Remi or whatever his name is.”

As of the March 28, 2012 issue of the Gauntlet, a total of 300 students have claimed serious injury after having been exposed to an issue of one of Remi’s signature articles or illustrations.
One political science student Sam Bloom, remembers all too well how he obtained his injuries.
“I was walking down the hallway just leaving professor Flanagan’s class, and I saw the Gauntlet. I used to read it all the time. It was way better in my day. But I hesitated picking it up because it had something I totally didn’t like on the cover,” Said Bloom. “I flipped it open and it was just ultra-leftist filth everywhere. Some of the art was even communist looking. Then I started to read this article by that boy Remi. There were words that I didn’t like, like ‘passion,’ ‘vitality of life,’ ‘apparatus’ and ‘wherefore.’ I barely got through the first paragraph when I felt this terrible pain fill my head. Next thing you know I’m in the hospital for an entire day. I wasn’t even allowed to go to ThursDen that night. Like what the fuck. Remi is so pathetic and stupid.”


No one has yet to successfully discover the identity of “Remi,” although the Canadian Security Intelligence Service believes Remi’s gender is of a male-like variety, as one Gauntlet hostage reported as having seen, “A large phallic-like object,” which supposedly came out of Remi’s pants once during a  visit to a bathroom. Remi’s elaborate use of disguise, including a tangled mess of hair, crafty and distracting glasses and a penchant for shadows has allowed him to avoid recognition. It is thought that Remi is capable of producing fake newsmedia as a tool for deception, as well as writing about himself in the third person (generally considered an extremely masturbatory act) as to dumbfound and irritate his detractors.

The Coalition for a Revolutionary Alberta Society was, according to the group’s website, founded by Remi in late 1988, apparently not long after “Remi’s” supposed birth. Since that time both Remi and cras have grown considerably and have forged powerful relationships with various terrorist groups. Yet Remi has retained his anonymity since day one. Even fellow terrorists involved in Remi’s terrorist ‘Front’ or affiliated groups in his terror network apparently know nothing relevant about the ultra-leftist’s identity or origins.
In late 2011, members of the West Albertan Nationalist Guerrillas and the Socialist and Anarchist Coalition who had participated in terrorist acts of “discussion of political alternatives” alongside Remi’s CRAS, were apprehended by the Royal Canadian Peace Enforcement Agency and were subsequently coerced into revealing details behind their terrorist network. The coercion undergone by members of WANG and SAC revealed startling information about the level of penetration perpetrated by the terrorist connections here in Alberta and abroad, but failed to reveal anything significant about Remi. Even Remi’s Facebook profile is incredibly vague and misleading, claiming that Remi is, “In a relationship” and “Likes” such topics as “reading” and “music.”

With a love for violent “debate” and the use of frightening tactics such as “critical thinking,” Remi has successfully kept the editors and volunteers of the Gauntlet student newspaper hostage. Current Gauntlet editor-in-chief Eric Mathison, who has managed to maintain a level of connection with the outside world, stated in one letter that, “most of the time we are subjected to his [Remi’s] constant discussions of ethics, politics or metaphysics, as well as hour-long diatribes about the proper accents on ‘Slavoj Žižek.’ But he has allowed me to go for the occasional coffee and washroom break, and every now and again my wife is able to bring me in some vegan cupcakes.”

However, not all students or Gauntlet members have been overcome by Remi’s takeover. A post-Trotskyist student organization, a campus-based anarchist association and various pro-human rights activist students have all asserted their solidarity with Remi and CRAS. Additionally, current Gauntlet news editor, Amy Badger, has, according to one hostage mediator, fallen ill with Stockholm Syndrome.
According to Mount Royal University psychologist Evrin Ting-Halvoff, Stockholm Syndrome is “a paradoxical psychological condition where hostages express empathy and have positive feelings towards their captors, occasionally to the point of defending their captors.” Badger is believed to currently be involving herself in sexual relations with Remi, although this has neither been confirmed nor denied by either party.


The Royal Canadian Peace Enforcement Agency has been unable to infiltrate the Gauntlet and arrest Remi. RCPEA commissioner Dic McIver stated in a recent press conference that, “we, the law enforcement agency of this fine city, have been unable to capture Remi. As it stands, we have been heavily preoccupied with meeting our quotas for speeding tickets, parking violations and agitation of undesirables.”

When questioned as to what changes might aid the RCPEA in their hunt for Remi, McIver claimed that an increase in peace officer funding and powers would enable the organization to “finally rid the city of its unwanted elements,” at which point the capture of Remi, “would become our top priority.”

With the student newspaper under Remi’s control, the ultra-leftist terrorist has been able to offend and horrify the delicate minds of University of Calgary students. With a large proportion of upper-middle class students attending the institution—all of whom are succeeding through their own rugged individualism—the terrorist demands of Remi’s, which include the “proliferation of genuine autonomy” and “respect for the dignity of all people,” have erupted into obscene ideological violence.

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Sun News: five white bigots and a set of tits

This column appeared in The Gauntlet on May 12th, 2011.

Resulting from our proximity and shared language, American culture unceasingly disseminates into Canada; the hyper-sensationalist orgiastic model of American media is no exception. The Sun News Network is the latest instantiation of the noisy, polarized news media that has taken foot in our nation, mimicking the monstrous Fox News Channel. Canadians from all walks of life should be outraged that such a visibly negative force such as the Sun News Network operates as easily as it does north of the 49th parallel. Due to their utter disregard for journalistic accuracy and integrity, gross sexism, blatant right-wing agenda and their affinity for fear mongering, the Sun News Network should be considered Canada’s current, crowning embarrassment.

Having been rightly denied a Category One license from the CRTC (which would have made the channel mandatory on cable and satellite across Canada as CTV News Channel and CBC News Network are), following a slew of controversy including allegations that Prime Minister Stephen Harper had attempted to intimidate CRTC management into fast-tracking the new channel’s licence, the Sun News Network was granted a Category Two specialty license in November. The channel, brandishing the slogan “We’re On Your Side,” was launched on April 18th, 2011 to the sound of “O Canada,” followed by an introduction by Krista Erickson and her breasts, which coincided with her appearance in the Calgary Sun’s depraved ‘sunshine girl’ section for that same day, and then a few hours featuring a loud buzzing sound emanating from a hot-air balloon that looked suspiciously like the hyper-right-wing pundit Ezra Levant.

Shortly following their launch, the Sun News Network promptly and thoroughly discredited themselves as being trustworthy sources of news by engaging in smear campaigns of politicians Jack Layton and Michael Ignatieff, occurring during the final critical week of the 2011 federal election. They fallaciously and maliciously accused Jack Layton of having been caught by police in a brothel in 1996. They fallaciously and maliciously accused Michael Ignatieff of having a role in the 2003 American invasion of Iraq, showing a photo of someone close in appearance to Ignatieff posing with American soldiers in Kuwait.
Following in the footsteps of their American foil Fox News Channel, the Sun News Network misrepresents Canadians with a primetime line-up of five of the most bitter and blinkered middle-aged white males that money can buy: David Akin, Brian Lilley, Charles Adler, Theo Caldwell and Ezra Levant. These five angry white men, who have all been long-time right-wing commentators or important members, or both, of the Conservative Party of Canada, are ‘balanced’ with the blonde miss Krista Erickson, who, according to her ‘sunshine girl’ write-up is, “rarin’ to go . . . unapologetically patriotic and not afraid to call it like it is.” While it could certainly be argued that Canada is in need of a few fresh faces — after all, Peter Mansbridge of the CBC and Lloyd Robertson of the CTV are both rather tiresome — the Sun News Network fails to provide anything close to this. Their hosts are, at best, washed-up noise-makers willing to spew “hard news and straight talk” for a quick buck.

The Sun News Network’s deliberate presentation of false or misleading information, their boys room prime-time line-up, their skewed understanding of the word ‘patriotism,’ their openly right-wing prejudices and their American-media-commentary style fear-mongering should deeply trouble the hearts of Canadians.